Getting Real

It's time to step up and get honest. I am not a horrible mother, but I have been behaving horribly for far too long. The Lizard King has been away for almost 9 months and it has been hard...much harder than I imagined it to be. I feel silly complaining. I mean, after all, he is the one who is in Afghanistan. Princess is without her Daddy and she's only six. Still, this is hard for me. And rather than make things easier for Princess I am making it harder.

I am absolutely convinced, especially after our time in Mexico, that Princess' eczema is emotionally triggered. The thing that I didn't realize was that it isn't only the absence of LK that is causing her stress. It is the absence of her mother...me. Yes, I am here, but I am not the mother I always was. I am not a patient person, I never have been,but with Princess I always had heaps of patience. I believe that children have value and deserve to be treated with respect. For entirely too long, I have not been living that.

For far too long I have been speaking to Princess like she is a worthless piece of garbage. I have created this sad, empty little girl. I am destroying her spirit and her soul. And I'm not sure how to stop. It is not only me who sees this. Freckle called me on it the other day. I need to figure out how to stop this. I need to figure out how to build my sweet little girl back up.

There are many things that I have to change. First I need to cut back on the amount of time I spend online because it feels like she is bothering me and disturbing me whenever she tries to interact with me. I chose to have this child. I chose to homeschool. I need to be there for her. It is about her, it is not about how much time I can spend online and believe me, it is a lot. My laptop is always open. I am always searching for something.

I need to spend more focused time on Princess...things like the art museum that will happen next week, but also during our time at home. I need to find my patience again. I'm not sure how to do that. Freckle has offered to help. I am grateful for her honesty. I know I can do this. I know I can find my way back to me. Yes, having LK gone is hard but I need to build my daughter up in the process, not tear her down.

I know that this bloggy community is so supportive, but telling me that it isn't that bad just isn't true. It is that bad. I even asked Princess about it and she told me that it is half and half. Half is good and half is bad. It killed me to hear that, even though I know it to be true. I am not striving for perfection. I just want to be the mom that I used to be.

Climbing the walls...

with a little help from a friend.

This friend is the person Princess calls sister. I don't know where she got the idea, but she believes it with every part of her being. Princess has known her "sister" since she was 8 or 9 months old. The bond and relationship they have is amazing. I guess family doesn't necessarily require blood ties.

Doorknobs

The Lizard King and I had our annual argument. At the first construction meeting for our new house one of the choices I had to make was which doorknob style we wanted. I chose lever style.

Here were the metal choices. (excuse the cell phone quality photos)

This is the metal I chose.

I love the way the dark metal plays against the white background.

I'm not sure how it happened, but one thing led to another and before we knew it we were arguing...via email. It ended quickly when I asked if this was, in fact, our annual argument.

What was your last argument about?

P.S. Thank you, Freckle. You know why. ;)

Dysfunctional Relationships Revisited

A while back I shared a bit about the deterioration of my relationship with my father and step-mother here and here.

I have a private family blog where I update everyone on the happenings in our life. When my father received the blog post in his email that Lizard King was going to Afghanistan he emailed me and said:

Mom and I are quite shocked by this email. Despite our differences, our hearts go out to all of you. This must have been an excruciating decision. In our varied travels, we have met men who were contractors working in Iraq and they seemed quite happy and told us that they did not feel unsafe; and, the money was great!!! If you would like to talk, all we want from you is a sincere apology for what we perceive as your disrespecting us and the rest will be forgiven. In your blog, you do not mention if 'Lizard King' will be working in a safe zone. No amount of money is worth risking his life by putting himself in jeopardy. But, we're sure that you have considered all of that in your deliberations. Again, all we want from you is an apology, but understand, we will not be disrespected. We are your parents and at this point, at our age, we are too old to start changing. You have to accept us the way we are.

At that point in time I couldn't even begin to deal with this. I told them that and also said that I couldn't tell them how much time I might need. They told me they would be patient. Well, as you know, things changed and LK is in South Carolina. Still it is a difficult situation and I am having a hard time. I didn't want them to think I was blowing them off so I emailed this morning. I told him that I was sorry for keeping him waiting so long. I told him that I was a little afraid (which he took to mean that I was afraid of him, but I meant that I was afraid of things going back to the way they were). I asked him to be patient.

He called me as soon as he read the email. We talked for about 40 minutes. I said a lot of things that I needed to say and did so respectfully.

I have also decided that I need to address issues as they happen. Sometimes I'm so shocked by their behavior that I don't even know what to say. This is something that I need to work on.

I am very hesitant and extremely cautious. I cannot go back to the way things were. I really didn't want to deal with this right now, but I guess I don't have a choice anymore. I wonder how this will all play out. I suppose only time will tell.

Happy Birthday, Dad

I figured I'd say it here since I can't say it to him. We haven't talked to each other since the Disney World trip. There has been no communication at all since our back and forth email discussion ended February 25th. For those who don't remember, my father broke up with me back in February.

Well, today is his birthday and I can't call him, but I did send cards. It's just weird. I thought I would miss him more than I do, but it actually feels good. I'm not being judged on a regular basis and I get no guilt trips that he claims aren't guilt trips. There is so much more, but I fear I would bore you all with the messy details.

I guess all I really wanted to do was send a birthday wish out to the universe. Maybe one day my father will realize the importance of family and that relationships take work on both sides.

Dysfunctional Relationships

How do you change a seriously dysfunctional relationship when said relationship has been dysfunctional for 44 years (a.k.a. my whole life)? In my past I ended the relationship with my mother because I was not willing to accept her abuse. That was twenty years ago. I have no regrets.

It took me a long time to realize that my relationship with my father and stepmother is just as dysfunctional. This has become even more painfully obvious with our recent trip to Disney. I finally sat down and wrote them a letter last night. I received a response this morning. I could feel my blood pressure rise as I read the response and I was shaking I was so angry.

I forwarded both emails to my dearest friends (Freckle and HerbiFaery) for their perspective. They had some wonderful things to say. I need to stop allowing him to treat me like a child. I need to stop allowing him to manipulate me and exert his power over me with regard to money. I have a lot of thinking to do. I have two wonderful friends and a wonderful husband (who will be home from his business trip this afternoon) to support me and help me navigate my way through this.

Things are different now than with my mother because I have a child now. The question is this. Is it important to maintain the relationship for her sake or end it for her sake?