Sunday, February 22, 2009

Family Gained, Family Lost

Family Gained
A few weeks ago I rearranged my schedule to allow for more family time. With LK working two jobs and me my part time job we haven't had a regular day together as a family in a lohohohong time. I moved clients to weekday evenings and cleared my Sundays.

Today is the first full Sunday together. We enjoyed a delicious breakfast together and have plans to go to a movie, do some jeans shopping for LK and maybe a few errands. At the moment, as I blog, Princess and LK are guessed it...Disney Princess Wii! It's so wonderful to be able to spend time together no matter what we're doing.

I am so lucky to have such an amazing husband and daughter. Every day I am grateful to have them in my life. My husband supports me always, in everything I do and with all my decisions. He is my rock, my strength and my partner through everything. He is always there for me.

Family Lost
This is an extremely shortened version of what transpired. My father and I have had a dysfunctional relationship always. After the Disneyworld trip, that was less than a stellar experience, I decided it was time to attempt a healthy relationship.

There have been a few emails back and forth ,which Freckle and HerbiFaery have read and been an amazing support to me. They have helped me to understand how my father is treating me and helped me to find ways to try to make the relationship healthier.

In my most recent email, I told my father the things that needed to change in order for our relationship to have a chance at being healthy. He responded yesterday. His response? He was furious. And he ended our relationship. Yes, you read that right. He ended our relationship.

I feel very sad about that. I don't understand how anything I said would have him willing to never see his granddaughter. The things I said were stated with the utmost respect and with the desire to built a strong and healthy relationship. Now it's done.

My daughter has lost the only grandparents she ever had, as crappy as they were, at least she had grandparents. I don't understand his being so unwilling to work on this.

So today is a day of family gained and family lost. I'm trying really hard to focus on the family gained. We're heading out soon to enjoy the beautiful day together. I wish you all a happy Sunday!


Momma Bear said...

I'm so sorry. That's awful and incredibly selfish of him. I honestly can say i can understand how you feel. During my pregnancies with my first two kids my mom would have nothing to do with me. She couldn't handle the boundaries that I had to put in place to protect my emotional life. Everyone has the right to boundaries. If people do not want to respect those boundaries then it's not worth putting yourself out there to be disrespected and treated poorly. Although I don't know the whole situation- I'm grieving for you and your situation. The painful reality of what a father daughter relationship "should" be like. And the Grampa grand kids relationship "should" look like. I know it won't make you feel better but if someone, including your father, is willing to end a relationship of such importance so easily b/c they perhaps hear something that doesn't sit well with them- you don't need that. People that love you don't just take off when they hear something that is difficult.They stick around and work through it no matter how hard. We fight for the things that are the most important too us. If your dad is smart he'll come back soon and apologize, he'll realize what he's sacrificing by making that choice.
I'm so sorry!
I do have a good relationship with my mom now.But I had to separate myself from her and my dad for 2years in order to be able to deal with my emotions and the control they had on me. That 2 years helped me also setup and be comfortable with my boundaries. I can lay the truth out to my mom now and she the same and we'll argue about it until it's resolved. B/c we've now established in our relationship that we will not bail if something difficult needs said. We will be straight with one another and work out our shit.
If you ever need to talk, please email me.
Take Care and hang in there-it is possible things can change.-beth

Rachel said...

I'm sorry to hear this! I can't even imagine it, but like Beth said, at this point, you're probably better off. I know that doesn't help to hear that, though. You must feel very hurt. Thank goodness for your awesome husband and beautiful little girl!

Such Lovely Freckles said...

I'll be there for you... always.

Shady Lady said...

Ladies, thank you so much for your kindness and support. I truly appreciate you all!!

Beth, thank you so much for sharing your experience. It means so much to me to read your words. Maybe things will improve over time...who knows. Unfortunately, the only thing that I think will give it a chance of happening would be to apologize profusely and go back to the way things were. I can't do that.

Momma Bear said...

You're very welcome. Perhaps separation is needed in that sometimes it is true that absense does make the heart grow fonder. You hang in there lady. Thats rude and infantile of him and your life is challenging right now with your own stuff you don't need the added crap from someone that supposedly loves you but is too selfish to support you.
I'll stop talking now.:)
You are loved and some times people are too damn narcisstic-asshat!

Aliceson said...

Oh Shady Lady,
This is terrible. I too agree with Momma Bear that healthy boundaries are important and if your father can't understand that, then maybe a break in your relationship is for the best right now.

I know you'll do what's right for your family but I also know it's hard. My sister-in-law has been on again off again with my hubby's family for years. She now uses her kids to get what she wants, which is a totally unhealthy situation. Some people need to have chaos in their lives; it feeds them.

You are a strong, sensible woman. hopefully one day your father will see that and appreciate it. :)

Shady Lady said...

I have taken a few days to calm down. I've decided to send a short response to his very long and very angry tirade. I plan to keep it simple and let him know that the door is open whenever he is ready to work toward a healthy relationship. He closed the door, I am opening it. We'll see what happens next.

Again ladies, thank you all for your amazing support! Who knew I could find such amazing women through blogging. :)

Anonymous said...

Shady Lady,
My heart always goes out to anyone in this situation as I've been there myself. My dad and I have a relationship now but it has taken my entire adult life and has never been easy for me. At one point I was exactly where you are now; only after some thought and time my dad changed his mind and decided that he wanted to stay in my life (probably because I had just found out I was pregnant with my first child-a boy). I do believe everything in our lives, good and bad, happens for a reason and helps us be who we are. As long as you have a strong immediate family and a good community, your daughter will survive and survive happily. I am so sorry this happens to anyone.

Shady Lady said...

Thank you for your response and for sharing your experience. It gives me some hope that maybe, just maybe, my father will decide that family is more important. I am so glad that your father was able to do that.

My daughter is his only real grandchild and there will be no more grandchildren in our family. I hope that might be enough for him to change his mind.

Thanks for stopping by my blog!