It's time to step up and get honest. I am not a horrible mother, but I have been behaving horribly for far too long. The Lizard King has been away for almost 9 months and it has been hard...much harder than I imagined it to be. I feel silly complaining. I mean, after all, he is the one who is in Afghanistan. Princess is without her Daddy and she's only six. Still, this is hard for me. And rather than make things easier for Princess I am making it harder.
I am absolutely convinced, especially after our time in Mexico, that Princess' eczema is emotionally triggered. The thing that I didn't realize was that it isn't only the absence of LK that is causing her stress. It is the absence of her mother...me. Yes, I am here, but I am not the mother I always was. I am not a patient person, I never have been,but with Princess I always had heaps of patience. I believe that children have value and deserve to be treated with respect. For entirely too long, I have not been living that.
For far too long I have been speaking to Princess like she is a worthless piece of garbage. I have created this sad, empty little girl. I am destroying her spirit and her soul. And I'm not sure how to stop. It is not only me who sees this. Freckle called me on it the other day. I need to figure out how to stop this. I need to figure out how to build my sweet little girl back up.
There are many things that I have to change. First I need to cut back on the amount of time I spend online because it feels like she is bothering me and disturbing me whenever she tries to interact with me. I chose to have this child. I chose to homeschool. I need to be there for her. It is about her, it is not about how much time I can spend online and believe me, it is a lot. My laptop is always open. I am always searching for something.
I need to spend more focused time on Princess...things like the art museum that will happen next week, but also during our time at home. I need to find my patience again. I'm not sure how to do that. Freckle has offered to help. I am grateful for her honesty. I know I can do this. I know I can find my way back to me. Yes, having LK gone is hard but I need to build my daughter up in the process, not tear her down.
I know that this bloggy community is so supportive, but telling me that it isn't that bad just isn't true. It is that bad. I even asked Princess about it and she told me that it is half and half. Half is good and half is bad. It killed me to hear that, even though I know it to be true. I am not striving for perfection. I just want to be the mom that I used to be.